my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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