then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
