It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
