I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
