actually, I'm a sock model
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
