fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize