alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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