I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
