I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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