i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
