Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Duck Duck Cougar?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize