Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
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