What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
