Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
