I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
