I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
