So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
