I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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