ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
