Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
