2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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