just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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