What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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