I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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