mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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