We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
