i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
