Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
