evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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