I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
