I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
