I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
