Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
