So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
