soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
