I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
our cab driver is having phone sex.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Four minutes until I can fart!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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