it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
