True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
