I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
