If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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