where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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