my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
