Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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