She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
