i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
