woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
