She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
