Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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