peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
