how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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