1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
