Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
