My hand turned me down
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
