I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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