We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
