Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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