I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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