Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
