I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
