I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
