Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
