Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
