If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
