these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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