I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
