Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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