Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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