Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
