just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
